I wish, I wish..

I’m sorry but I really need to blog my weird feelings.

So when I opened my FB account, I saw several pictures of ultrasounds on my News Feed. It made me sad. 😦

Sometimes I question myself why am I not getting pregnant? We don’t use any contraceptives for the past 3 years. You read it right, 3 long years. I don’t know if it’s because I only have one ovary left  (I had the dermoid cyst taken out of my right ovary when I was pregnant with Saab), or is it because I’m stressed out with work for the past three years. I don’t really have a clue.

Well, I was just thinking that maybe, just maybe it’s time for Saab to have a baby sister/brother. She’s growing up alone and sometimes it really breaks my heart leaving her with just her toys and not be able to have a chance to play with other kids. I only get to play with her during weekends, and there is no park near our area. So there it just makes me sad.

Why are some women so lucky to conceive a child? Like, they are not even trying but it is given to them. Oh, life is unfair. 😦 On the other hand, I tried to think of the consequences that we’ll have as parents if ever another child will come our way.

1. We’ll be back to those sleepless nights. Babies don’t have normal sleeping patterns for the first few months. We’re able to have a normal sleep on weekends since Saab is easier to put in bed now. Unless of course, she’ll have her tantrums and sleep at 3 in the morning.

2. We’ll not be able to go out with our friends again. Eversince Saab was born, we seldom go out with our friends since we need to stay at home and look after Saab. Plus the fact that I’ll have the urge to pump because I breastfeed. That’ll be such a hassle.

3. Savings. I can say that there are still a lot to save if ever we’ll have another baby. You can read my previous post about budgeting.

4. Househelp. We’re lucky because my MIL just lives across our house and Martin’s aunt is the one who’s looking after Saab. Because of my super busy and demanding schedule at work, Saab sleeps with my MIL every Mondays-Thursdays because we have to leave early the next day and comes home a bit late. Sometimes, she’s already asleep when we arrive home and nobody’s going to look after her if she’d stay in our house so we prefer to have her stayed with my MIL’s house.

5. Are we emotionally ready? Having babies is just one of the many tests in a relationship. I remember when Saab is just a few months old and I had the postpartum depression. It was really a challenge in our married life. Like, there are questions “Why the hell am I here on a Friday night?” “You’re not allowed to go out with your friends because I’m at home looking after the baby and it’s unfair.” You know,l stuff like that. I think that maybe, GOD has better plans why our second baby is not given to us yet. Probably, he is preparing us to be better parents for him/her.

So, I was thinking.. maybe we could just get a dog instead… for now. 🙂

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